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Monday
I love it when it gets so smoky in here that everything is dusted with fragrant incense ash. I’ve been praying for so long that my knees hurt and I can’t feel my ankles. The white candles burn through the haze, but I can’t see who I’m chanting at. The term for my new uni course starts tomorrow, and essentially I’m praying for it to go well. For me to develop connections;; for me to learn.
I’ll most probably be greeted by some kind of mostly improbable threat veiled as a question if I leave the garage. There doesn’t need to be a reason! So I’m still in here. I can hardly countenance living here for another month, but I suppose however many years it takes to do this and get out will have to do.
Wednesday
I was busy catching up on the introductory material for my new subjects, I didn’t have time to write yesterday. Of the course material so far,,, of course it is engaging to me. Of course I am looking forward to the course. I’ve been studying law to get into this position for well over a year, and I’m finally here. I’m sure it will be okay, and in fact I’m confident about the future!
Friday
I don’t know, maybe this should be an every two days thing. That would probably be more convenient. I was working yesterday evening and all of today as well! I hate it! Everyone there is either much older than me or 17. I have literally nobody to interact with in a way that’s not confrontational or forced – not that I’d want to be interacting much considering how many clients we have to deal with the entire time. Then I come home and dad has his daily pet peeve thing he made up to yell about. Fuck this.
Monday
Okay look, it will be every two days. If I don’t get into the habit of writing in this regularly it won’t happen at all; this ain’t my first rodeo. Buddy. In my defence, I’m exhausted and unfocused from a week of work by the time I get home on Sunday. Speaking of focus, I know damn well I need ritalin to do this course and I have saved up a massive store of it so I don’t have to pay a million billion dollars for psychiatrist appointments to get access to more. I have about 500 small tablets, so if I only take four per week I can stretch it out well into next year. It would make me stressed to take much more than that anyway.
Wednesday
Got several classes going this semester. I am mainly interested in common law, civil law and legislation related to that, but of course we’ll be looking into criminal law, the ICJ and some generic introductory stuff. Funnily enough, the international law subject seems the most interesting so far – the lecturer is an entertaining Brazilian lady. I don’t have much to go off for what my mother was like, but I understand that she was forward and vivacious in a similar way. You wouldn’t expect any less from a hard-working Mexican woman, really. I don’t know how she ever ended up with dad.
We will have to do a set of quizzes in a couple of weeks for an introductory subject, and then the first essay will be for international law – about the United Nations, I think. I have lots of time to prepare, I’ve checked out when the major events are happening in each subject and generally I feel positive about it.
Friday
Ok, I’m writing during my break at work. Generally I don’t need ritalin here because I’ve gotten used to doing all the stuff I would’ve needed to do with it. I guess I never need it – I certainly don’t like using it – but I regretted not having it at school because I could never bring myself to study. I’ll mostly need it for study days, which will be Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and it’s hard to decide another one. Tuesday I have a class in the morning and another in the evening, Thursday I have a class in the morning and work in the evening, today and Sunday are work all day. Idk. Eventually, I will also have to find a cheaper psychiatrist if such a thing exists. It’s probably been more than a year since I talked to the one who prescribes me ritalin, so I haven’t been able to buy up more for a long while. The doctor who referred me to this one (and also gave me a bunch of other options I didn’t keep track of) is dead
Sunday
I don’t get a Sunday, I have to work a six hour shift lool. Too tired to really get stuff done in the afternoon. I think I’ve been working there for too long, I don’t care about it and nobody cares if I’m there. I know how to fill out the paperwork and I can do the customer service stuff in my sleep. They need me there more than I need them. I would probably welcome getting fired, but it won’t happen. Today I drew a picture of myself getting fired out of a cannon and into the sun. My life generally feels like a dead end, but I’m excited about uni at least.
Tuesday
Tuesdays never feel good. I don’t know why it’s always so busy here, but it makes everyone more tense. Customers are ruder. There’s probably no day I would want to work less, but my uni subjects are happening on other days. I still need as much work as I can get, really. It’s wild because if I’m going to uni Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and working Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Sunday it’s almost as busy as it was when I was working full time.
Thursday
Last week I met an extroverted Chinese girl in the international law class. Her name is Shirley. We went out after class with two other girls, and I showed them where to find lunch in St Albans. We came back to the campus to study after that. Anyway, this week it was just us. She asked for my Instagram account and we went to lunch again. We did some study on campus. Haven’t said anything since yesterday, but I don’t really use Insta. I’m not sure where it will go from here, nothing like this has happened before.
Saturday
Shirley seems really invested in learning about the functions of the UN and the history of the ICJ. It’s kind of impressive – is this what studying with other people is generally like? When I say ‘study’ like we’ve just been shooting messages over Insta I suppose. It tends to be pretty hard to focus on actual study in this fucking household. When dad’s not crashing around drunk the neighbours across the street are having a party or the couple upstairs are arguing about some stupid shit.
Monday
The Monday subject is so boring that it actually feels like a waste of time me being there. I don’t think I will need to study very much for it;; third week now and not one thing the lecturer has said was new information to me. ‘Ooh do you know what a tort is?’ shut up bro. I guess I should be pleased that I understand the material – I might not do with the second year subjects. For now though it seems like much of my time is taken up just travelling to and from places and listening to people talk shite.
Wednesday
You might wonder how, if I am 22, I’ve never so much as kissed a girl. I wonder this sometimes. But I think I have a date with Shirley next week? It’s kind of hard to tell. She’s only been in Australia since November; her English is surprisingly strong, but she did spend most of her life in Anhui. I’m calling it a date. Anyway idk the teacher (Isabella) is kind of grating on me because I’m not very sociable and she clearly doesn’t get why. Maybe I don’t get why.
Friday
My god I need a new job. Honestly it feels cowardly the way I’m still there. Nobody teaches you how to quit a job and then still put it on your resume for the next one, anyway. Like surely in an interview they will be like ‘uh yeah sure you were here for four years, can we have a contact to ask them about your performance?’ How do you respond ‘NAH I told them to lick balls and they didn’t like me anyway’ and still get the job idgi tbh.
Sunday
Getting excited like I’m some kind of puppy. Date is tomorrow. Assessment is due on Wednesday. Fuck the assessment. I don’t really want a girlfriend but it’s still early days, right? I want to be in a relationship, it doesn’t need to be boyfriend-girlfriend I don’t think. I wouldn’t tell my dad about her either way. I could take her into my room and he probably wouldn’t even notice.
Tuesday
It went well, I think. We got lunch in Footscray. I let her choose and so we got Chinese of course. She was talking about using online chat sites and seeing foreigners behaving badly. Not sure what to make of it. We held hands walking down the street. We looked through the mall. Then I went to uni for the evening. Tomorrow I will need to get stuck into the UN essay. I haven’t written much.
Thursday
Okay, I just got the essay in. Okay, it’s a day late. Okay, I lose five percent of the mark. I am okay with this outcome. It is okay. You know what else is okay? Shirley said she doesn’t want to be a girlfriend – which is the outcome I wanted! I don’t want a girlfriend! But I can’t exactly tell her that. It was probably a mistake to force the issue, but we are meeting again on Saturday.
Saturday
I don’t know what happened. We had dinner, then we walked all the way down the river towards my place. I don’t think she wanted to talk that much, but we were talking the whole time. At one point I jumped up onto a short metal pole, and then down again. She jumped up onto the next one along, but lost balance and fell the wrong way. I wasn’t close enough. She stopped moving after she hit the ground, and there must’ve been a couple of minutes where I just stood there as deep, thick liquid trickled out along the greying asphalt.
I had to carry her back to our place. I had a shower, but I still don’t smell right. I have to go back downstairs, but not for as long as I can avoid it.
Monday
Called in sick to work yesterday. It felt like the right thing to do. I threw up before I went to sleep, so I guess it wasn’t lying to say I was sick. I spent all day in the garage praying, mostly to Santa Muerte. Shirley joined me – I think it calmed us both down. But today I decided to go into uni. I have another assessment due on Thursday.
Wednesday
International law classes are on Wednesday. Shirley wasn’t there;; of course not, she was staying here in the garage! I saw her in a different position when I got back; she was probably lighting incense without me. Her parents are probably worried, I guess. It makes sense that she would want to keep in touch with them. I’m glad dad never actually looks in here anymore.
Friday
The fucking ford falcon in this garage takes up so much of my time. Dad stopped actually working on it a couple of years ago, but I still need to clean it fairly often so that it isn’t caked in dust and ash. I’m not sure how I will do it with Shirley in here. I don’t want to change her clothes, I can’t shop for girls. I’ve lit more candles to disguise the smell, but it’s getting harder so I’m using as much incense as I can too.
Sunday
Still haven’t uploaded that second assignment, and I don’t even want to really. I had to work all morning and I had to pray all evening. I’m not dealing with assignments. I think I can still pass all the subjects if I lock in a month from now. And I will pass all the subjects. For both of us.
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